Heart's Cry

Well...here I am again, Lord.



You already know this, of course, but I have a bit of a confession to make: I have this horribly disgusting habit of making everything else in the world so much more important than You.




I'm sorry.







I'm so, so sorry.



I have no idea what is wrong with me, why I do things like this, why I don't just allow You to sweep me away in the beautiful freedom that You daily offer. Why am I so insistent on closing myself off to you? Why do I live in this sickening pattern?

I think that at the start of things--and of course, it's a cycle without a start, but I mean the start of my falling away from You--I think that I must know that I'll end up here. I must have it somewhere in the back of my mind...that's got to be the case. I have to see this coming. I should see it coming. I mean, I've done it to myself so many times before, I would have to be some kind of idiot to completely be unaware to the truth that I'm setting myself up for hurt.


Lord, oh...it's just...there is such a huge, revolting disconnect between what I know to be true and what I live out and testify to be true. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry...I'm sorry. Does this pathetic life of mine disgust You like it does me? Does it hurt You to watch me do this to myself? It must. It has to.


...I think.


I don't know.



I'm sorry.


I'm sorry that I don't come to You. I'm sorry that I deny you the joy of satisfying me. You would feed me with the finest of wheat, with honey from the rock You would satisfy me...you see, I know your promises. In my head...I know them. But why don't they matter to me in my heart?? Why don't they affect my life???? Why don't they absolutely change who I am?


Why, oh why, Oh my God am I still searching for satisfaction and contentment and love elsewhere? I am so sorry that I don't allow You to meet these needs of mine,. I am so sorry.


I am such a stupid, foolish girl. There is no reason for me to grieve as I do, I know this. My answer is found in You, I know this. Please, please forgive me for throwing my soul at others...Oh I am so sorry. It must hurt you very much that I just...reject the relationship You've offered me. Forgive me, Lord, please forgive me.


Abba, I am hurting. I am longing for satisfaction in my life, and I confess that I have tried to find it in everything but You. Of course...I haven't found it. I feel like such a fool. I don't even deserve to be able to say this to You. I'm not worth Your love. I don't know why You even allow me to know about Your existence, much less your grace or love...I am so unworthy.

Help me, Father, please help me to come to You, to appreciate the beautiful relationship You have offered me. Please reshape my mind, help me be transformed to the knowledge of You. I am so tired of paining myself by denying you. I am so tired of having to deal with the knowledge that I have only myself to blame for my hurt.

I am a stupid, foolish girl. But...for some reason, You have chosen to love me. You love me. Oh, my Lord, my God, my friend--You love me. Why? I don't know why. But I know that it is true. Your love is there. Thank You. Thank You a thousand times...I am so undeserving. You are everything. Please...give me the grace to see that. Give me the conviction to live that truth out. You are everything.