Heart's Cry

Well...here I am again, Lord.



You already know this, of course, but I have a bit of a confession to make: I have this horribly disgusting habit of making everything else in the world so much more important than You.




I'm sorry.







I'm so, so sorry.



I have no idea what is wrong with me, why I do things like this, why I don't just allow You to sweep me away in the beautiful freedom that You daily offer. Why am I so insistent on closing myself off to you? Why do I live in this sickening pattern?

I think that at the start of things--and of course, it's a cycle without a start, but I mean the start of my falling away from You--I think that I must know that I'll end up here. I must have it somewhere in the back of my mind...that's got to be the case. I have to see this coming. I should see it coming. I mean, I've done it to myself so many times before, I would have to be some kind of idiot to completely be unaware to the truth that I'm setting myself up for hurt.


Lord, oh...it's just...there is such a huge, revolting disconnect between what I know to be true and what I live out and testify to be true. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry...I'm sorry. Does this pathetic life of mine disgust You like it does me? Does it hurt You to watch me do this to myself? It must. It has to.


...I think.


I don't know.



I'm sorry.


I'm sorry that I don't come to You. I'm sorry that I deny you the joy of satisfying me. You would feed me with the finest of wheat, with honey from the rock You would satisfy me...you see, I know your promises. In my head...I know them. But why don't they matter to me in my heart?? Why don't they affect my life???? Why don't they absolutely change who I am?


Why, oh why, Oh my God am I still searching for satisfaction and contentment and love elsewhere? I am so sorry that I don't allow You to meet these needs of mine,. I am so sorry.


I am such a stupid, foolish girl. There is no reason for me to grieve as I do, I know this. My answer is found in You, I know this. Please, please forgive me for throwing my soul at others...Oh I am so sorry. It must hurt you very much that I just...reject the relationship You've offered me. Forgive me, Lord, please forgive me.


Abba, I am hurting. I am longing for satisfaction in my life, and I confess that I have tried to find it in everything but You. Of course...I haven't found it. I feel like such a fool. I don't even deserve to be able to say this to You. I'm not worth Your love. I don't know why You even allow me to know about Your existence, much less your grace or love...I am so unworthy.

Help me, Father, please help me to come to You, to appreciate the beautiful relationship You have offered me. Please reshape my mind, help me be transformed to the knowledge of You. I am so tired of paining myself by denying you. I am so tired of having to deal with the knowledge that I have only myself to blame for my hurt.

I am a stupid, foolish girl. But...for some reason, You have chosen to love me. You love me. Oh, my Lord, my God, my friend--You love me. Why? I don't know why. But I know that it is true. Your love is there. Thank You. Thank You a thousand times...I am so undeserving. You are everything. Please...give me the grace to see that. Give me the conviction to live that truth out. You are everything.

Sometimes

Sometimes you just don't go to sleep.


Sometimes you just stay up, stand out on your porch all alone and try to take in as much of the sky as you can. You just breathe.







Sometimes you just spend a little time longing for someone to share the starlight with.

Sometimes you just cry.


And sometimes I just pray.

These Days...

Since my last post...everything in my life has changed.




Okay, you're right, that was a bit of an exaggeration, but it was founded on a shred of truth. Maybe more than a shred. A lot has changed.



For instance, I dyed my hair red.









Just kidding!!! Gotcha!



Here are the real changes:



Change number one: my location has shifted. I am now back in the VA. (That's read, "Vee Ehy." And no, I don't have a good reason for prefacing state abbreviations with an article. It's just what I do.)

Change number two: there has been a significant adjustment in how I spend my time. I am now re-instated as a full-time student and as a part-time employee at Panera Bread. Hoorah.

Change number three: the girl whom I have claimed as my best friend since I was six years old got married on Saturday and is now moving to Argentina.

Change number four: this is my Senior year of college. In May I will graduate and for the first time in my life the next step will be entirely in subjection to my choices.




If you don't see the significance in the first three...I hope you're catching on with numero quatro. This is a big deal.



I know that the only thing that stays the same is change...but knowing that doesn't make it easy.




I'm a little scared.











----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Earth changes, but thy soul and God stand sure."

- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

"O visionary world, condition strange, Where naught abiding is but only change."

- James Russell Lowell

"There is a certain relief in change, even though it be from bad to worse; as I have found in traveling in a stagecoach, that it is often a comfort to shift one's position and be bruised in a new place."

- Washington Irving

Consumed

I've not posted in a bit...we'll all just have to deal with that our own ways.


Here's what I'm thinking tonight. I'm thinking about my life. I'm thinking about...my blog, at the moment.

Do you know why it's called By the Word? The answer is multi-faceted actually. The answer which might be the most obvious is that I love words. I do. I love the power of language. I am ever fascinated by the fact that each word is wholly its own...so much more than just a dictionary definition is attached, and therefore one tiny little word has the ability to speak volumes, to change the temperature of a statement entirely. I love literature and poetry and communication...and Boggle, Scrabble, Upwords, and Letter Getter. I really love words. I live by words.

But there's another side to "the Word." In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. The Bible, the manuscript to my life, that is the Word. I am particularly fond of the blog's title because it is a message to me, a reminder that I want to live my life entirely "By the Word."

I know that I have a bit of a reputation for my love of words. But do I have a reputation for my love of the Word?



A sense of urgency has been on my heart lately. I am not of the opinion that a Christian's life is "wasted" if he or she does not go in to full time ministry; working a nine to five with a briefcase and tie is not a sin. However, I am convicted with the thought that a Christian life can be wasted. All of mankind was created to glorify God...it is my special duty to glorify God. My life can be a showcase of His glory whether I punch a clock or preach to the tribes...and it can likewise be a pointless waste of time in either endeavor.

Every moment, every thought, every decision, every word...it can count for eternity and glorify God,


or it can be a moment, thought, decision, or word that is lost for eternity.


A moment, thought, decision, or word that glorifies...something other than God.







I am overwhelmed with a desire to be overwhelmed by a passion for the work of the Lord. A friend of mine wrote a song a few years ago...to be honest I only remember two words: consume me. I am pleading with the Lord now that He grab my heart and fully consume me with a desire to glorify Him. People are lost. God is being mocked and cast aside...taken in vain.





Oh God, let me not forget that You are my purpose. Let me not be taken with my own vanity and desires; allow me to be all consumed by a fire for You. I yearn to be with You, to live a life that is pleasing to you, to not waste my moments. Keep me far from those things which will keep me from Your purpose, don't let me stray. I love You. Consume me.

Just Putting It Out There...

I've been temping for the last few weeks at a plastics factory, working in the assembly department. Essentially this means that my hands are completely occupied for eight hours while my mind is free to roam about where it pleases, doing what it will.

On my breaks I often have to pull out my journal and jot some things down because my mind has chosen to write a substantial amount of poetry...here's one that I like:


Today

I've thought about you a lot today
And I have some things I'd like to say
But instead I think I'll let them drift away
And I've thought about you a lot today.

I've thought about you a lot today
From smiles to frowns my lips have swayed
But my true feelings won't be betrayed
And I've thought about you a lot today.

I've thought about you a lot today
My heart and mind began to stray
There's a memory dragon that I can't slay
And I've thought about you a lot today.

I've thought about you a lot today
So I bend my knees and heart to pray
And my burdens upon this altar I lay
And I'll think of you no more today.


j. marie




There are some that I'm working on which are better...but this is what I'm willing to give for now. I think it's....complete. Yes.

Enjoy?



Peace and blessings.