It's Raining Today...

Rain is a funny thing, isn't it? It can be depressing, exciting, pleasant, sad, calming, aggravating, refreshing...

Oh, the versatility of the sky.

Right now I'm a little nonplussed by the rain. I don't mind rain one bit when it is pouring down on my house, pounding on my skylights. It makes me feel like I can do anything I want within the little cocoon of my room. Usually "anything I want" on rainy day involves reading something I want to read, journaling, cleaning (not in a hurried, we're-having-company sort of way, but in an inquisitive, clean-out-your-closet-for-hours-and-ponder-over-what-you-find-there sort of way...), crafting...

*Sigh.

Doesn't that sound nice? Mmmm. Rainy days are taking a shower and not putting on makeup, and employing yourself in something you enjoy. Drinking tea. Reading a book.

Makin' banana pancakes...you know.

I have a load of things to do today, though, so it's kind of killing the rain-atmosphere for me. Homework, cleaning, packing for Florida, doing responsible school-y things. Not that I don't enjoy these things...but I have to do them. Having to do something is no fun. Choosing to do something...now that I can be pleased by.

Eh. I'm six years old.

"I'll do it cause I want to, not because you tell me to!"


(Yeah right. I wish I had been that cute when I was six.)



Oh the rain.
Joy in every day, though, right?


I know this hasn't been a particularly insightful post. Sorry. :/ Couldn't help myself but muse a bit. I was just looking out the window, thinking...

Rain is a funny thing, isn't it?

Hello Again...

Hello, March.

Hello, blog...

Hello Dolly?


Hmmm....Say "Hello" out loud a few times...weird, isn't it?


Way back in January, I made New Year's Resolutions. One of them was to blog at least once a week.

...


oops.

I'll just leave it to your imagination as to how well my other resolutions are going. :/

I suppose it's better late than never, so here I am, true to form: late. Being late is probably one of the only areas of my life in which I am consistent. Is that depressing? I should probably feel ashamed about it.


I do feel a little bit of shame. It's one of those things that I feel like I don't have to worry about right now, at this point in my life. One of those things that I seem to think will just...kick in when I reach adulthood. Kind of like being organized, or responsible, or mature...I just assume that by the time I get all grown up, I'll be there.

Except I just realized something...

...I'm already twenty-two.

Oh...snap. So I'm very nearly grown up. I guess it has just occurred to me that I won't wake up one morning and have reached mature adulthood overnight. It's gonna have to start somewhere. I'm going to have to start making conscious decisions to be organized, and responsible, and mature...and maybe, hopefully, someday...I'll have gotten there.


(Fear not, those of you who know and love my more ridiculous and childlike tendencies, for there are some things I'll never relinquish to maturity. Laughing out loud, whistling, sitting on the ground, climbing on things...)


I think I'm going to take the same approach with this blog. I really enjoy blogging, I enjoy having this space of open thought and creativity. I think it's delightful. Wonderful.

But I get so gosh-darn intimidated! I look at other blogs and they're all...sponsored and followed and themed and...and I feel so silly! My blog has no point! I have no followers whom I don't know personally! I'm not doing anything exciting!!

Breathe.

I think it would be cool if this became a thing. If I did have a follower I didn't personally know. If my own thoughts and musings went beyond...myself. I would like that. But everybody has to start somewhere, right? Every adult was once a child, every teacher once a student, every leader once a follower. I'm still in the learning stages, still gathering up my building blocks. What I need to be doing now is just making little decisions, taking little actions to be blog-esque. And then maybe, hopefully, someday...I'll have gotten there.

:)

See how my philosophy has come around full circle? Excited! Excited!


So...in order to be blog-esque, I'm going to commit to two things.

1.) I really am going to try and blog at least once a week.
2.) I'm going to post more pictures. Pictures should feel at home in a blog.

(Okay, I'm going to commit to three things...but I have to preface #3 with an explanation...)

A lot of blogs are centered around crafti-ness. I like that. I like when I get to have crafternoons. However, I'm a full-time student with a part-time job, a boyfriend (that's right! He made the blog! NOW it's official.) and a strong commitment to my church and friends. What does that mean? I am ridiculously busy. I cannot do a craft-a-day. But maybe I can do one a week? We'll see. I am going to compose a list of things (from other crafty blogs) I want to try my hand at, and I will link the How-To's or Tutorials or DIY's from the mother-blog, so as not to try and act like I came up with it on my own.

So...drum roll....

3.) I'm going to be crafty. --er. Crafty-er than I have been. And I'll post about it.

Who knows, maybe someday I'll be able to come up with my own craft! What what?!




Hmmm...Blogger is being silly, and won't let me post a picture.

But it will happen.





Au Revoir!

Heart's Cry

Well...here I am again, Lord.



You already know this, of course, but I have a bit of a confession to make: I have this horribly disgusting habit of making everything else in the world so much more important than You.




I'm sorry.







I'm so, so sorry.



I have no idea what is wrong with me, why I do things like this, why I don't just allow You to sweep me away in the beautiful freedom that You daily offer. Why am I so insistent on closing myself off to you? Why do I live in this sickening pattern?

I think that at the start of things--and of course, it's a cycle without a start, but I mean the start of my falling away from You--I think that I must know that I'll end up here. I must have it somewhere in the back of my mind...that's got to be the case. I have to see this coming. I should see it coming. I mean, I've done it to myself so many times before, I would have to be some kind of idiot to completely be unaware to the truth that I'm setting myself up for hurt.


Lord, oh...it's just...there is such a huge, revolting disconnect between what I know to be true and what I live out and testify to be true. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry...I'm sorry. Does this pathetic life of mine disgust You like it does me? Does it hurt You to watch me do this to myself? It must. It has to.


...I think.


I don't know.



I'm sorry.


I'm sorry that I don't come to You. I'm sorry that I deny you the joy of satisfying me. You would feed me with the finest of wheat, with honey from the rock You would satisfy me...you see, I know your promises. In my head...I know them. But why don't they matter to me in my heart?? Why don't they affect my life???? Why don't they absolutely change who I am?


Why, oh why, Oh my God am I still searching for satisfaction and contentment and love elsewhere? I am so sorry that I don't allow You to meet these needs of mine,. I am so sorry.


I am such a stupid, foolish girl. There is no reason for me to grieve as I do, I know this. My answer is found in You, I know this. Please, please forgive me for throwing my soul at others...Oh I am so sorry. It must hurt you very much that I just...reject the relationship You've offered me. Forgive me, Lord, please forgive me.


Abba, I am hurting. I am longing for satisfaction in my life, and I confess that I have tried to find it in everything but You. Of course...I haven't found it. I feel like such a fool. I don't even deserve to be able to say this to You. I'm not worth Your love. I don't know why You even allow me to know about Your existence, much less your grace or love...I am so unworthy.

Help me, Father, please help me to come to You, to appreciate the beautiful relationship You have offered me. Please reshape my mind, help me be transformed to the knowledge of You. I am so tired of paining myself by denying you. I am so tired of having to deal with the knowledge that I have only myself to blame for my hurt.

I am a stupid, foolish girl. But...for some reason, You have chosen to love me. You love me. Oh, my Lord, my God, my friend--You love me. Why? I don't know why. But I know that it is true. Your love is there. Thank You. Thank You a thousand times...I am so undeserving. You are everything. Please...give me the grace to see that. Give me the conviction to live that truth out. You are everything.

Sometimes

Sometimes you just don't go to sleep.


Sometimes you just stay up, stand out on your porch all alone and try to take in as much of the sky as you can. You just breathe.







Sometimes you just spend a little time longing for someone to share the starlight with.

Sometimes you just cry.


And sometimes I just pray.

These Days...

Since my last post...everything in my life has changed.




Okay, you're right, that was a bit of an exaggeration, but it was founded on a shred of truth. Maybe more than a shred. A lot has changed.



For instance, I dyed my hair red.









Just kidding!!! Gotcha!



Here are the real changes:



Change number one: my location has shifted. I am now back in the VA. (That's read, "Vee Ehy." And no, I don't have a good reason for prefacing state abbreviations with an article. It's just what I do.)

Change number two: there has been a significant adjustment in how I spend my time. I am now re-instated as a full-time student and as a part-time employee at Panera Bread. Hoorah.

Change number three: the girl whom I have claimed as my best friend since I was six years old got married on Saturday and is now moving to Argentina.

Change number four: this is my Senior year of college. In May I will graduate and for the first time in my life the next step will be entirely in subjection to my choices.




If you don't see the significance in the first three...I hope you're catching on with numero quatro. This is a big deal.



I know that the only thing that stays the same is change...but knowing that doesn't make it easy.




I'm a little scared.











----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Earth changes, but thy soul and God stand sure."

- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

"O visionary world, condition strange, Where naught abiding is but only change."

- James Russell Lowell

"There is a certain relief in change, even though it be from bad to worse; as I have found in traveling in a stagecoach, that it is often a comfort to shift one's position and be bruised in a new place."

- Washington Irving